apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
