I CAN MOONWALK!
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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