Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
