don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
