Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
