i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
