Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
