I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
