birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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