when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
