I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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