The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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