i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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