I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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