Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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