i think my mom watched the whole time
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
