My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
