I faked an abortion last night.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It's never too late to be topless.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
