Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
