3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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