I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
