He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
