Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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