Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
