im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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