Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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