I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
17 year olds will be the death of me.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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