So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
