i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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