We need to start having sex underwater more often.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
that may or may not have been my penis.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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