there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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