mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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