I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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