You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
