My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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