So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
