If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
