I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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