Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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