i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
