I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
