i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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