I could have mohawked her pubes.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
