My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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