"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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