I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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