so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
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