i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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