I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
