I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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