The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
