i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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