Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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