woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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