He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
