I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
