you guys were way drunker than both of me
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
There's always time for handjobs
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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