I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
